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11.27.2005

i am sorry.
i did not mean to abandon you.
my birthday was amazing.
people i didn't even know, showed up (and got me loaded) because they heard, from other people that it was my birthday. i was amazed and awed and really really really drunk.

The holidays are hitting me hard this year. It feels like a lot of work for more reasons than i can count.
i realized that, for the first time since "before", I am at a point where i would have to start letting someones family become my own.
in the end, he forbid them from talking to me.
and just like that, they were removed from my life.
and so,
I guess the grieving process formally begins now.

the other doozy is my parents.
last year was the very first time in my entire life that i spent away from my family on christmas.
i have spent the past few years toying with the idea of NOT going there, but i have always ended up buying tickets at the last minute.
last year, i couldn't bear it.
Last Christmas/Christmas eve ended up being an absolute DRAMAFEST, which is a completely separate entry all together.
and this year, the minute everyone started asking me about coming i started shutting down. the mere thought of THINKING about going was enough to send me into a depressive state.
Not having to see my mother has become the single obsession.
because its not my mother. its a shell of the person i used to call my mother.
this vacuous, empty creature that has taken her place.
the person who used to be my mother, at her drunken, messiest, worst, was still better than this thing pretending to be my mother now.
i have passed anger
i am sad
really really sad.
this brilliant woman who i would call when i needed answers to the universe, or just a recipe, is no longer available.
her primary concern is her pant size and her wigs.
she is hell bent on killing herself
and i can't stand to watch it anymore.
2 nights ago i was telling Liz a story about my mom that i love. and the idea that she would never meet the woman that raised me made me want to cry.

so the decision to stay here for the holidays leaves me feeling unanchored.

.: posted by landry 11:32 PM

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