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10.13.2005

we tallked last night about my childhood fear of dying, because of something that she said.
After all these years, I realized that I was not afraid of dying.
I was afraid of Carl Sagan.

My father was an amature astronomer when he wasn't in trouble or in a bar.
He bought a telescope and would take my sister and I out to see astral "events" meteor showers, eclipses or when Mars was closest to the Earth.

and we watched Cosmos and Nova every week
My father would start about and hour before Cosmos came on, walking around the house saying "biiiilons and biiiiilons of stars!!!!"

after Cosmos I would lie awake in my 9 year old bed, until the wee hours terrorized by the thought of my own death.
only now i realize that it was really my fear of the vastness of everything.
this biggness that i had no way of quantifying and no visual reference for.
and if people who knew about numbers, which were supposed to be the answer to everything, couldn't come up with something that i could understand how could i continue to trust that they knew what they were doing?
i realized that numbers were NOT the answer to everything.
so i stuck with words.

*******************************
in other really exciting news:
we got to see "The Erie Institutional Children's Choir" better known as
Kiki and Herb at Joe's Pub last night.
I will write all about it tomorrow
or maybe later tonight when i get home- im THAT excited about the K&H NEWS!!!!)

.: posted by landry 9:41 PM

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