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2.22.2005im really sad for her for not fewer than a lot of reasons. its seems that i would be stating the obvious to say that it is hard to lose your parents. it would suffice to say that i would feel unanchored but when i actually think about it, i realize that i lost them years ago. both of them. i have been living with this dumbed down version of a ghost of my mother for around 3 years and my father followed her shortly after. She has been addicted to one thing or another since i was born. my heart aches when i realize that i long for my alchoholic mother. that at the very least she was more real that the creature that inhabits the space where my mother used to be. in her worst times she was gritty and real and feisty and compassionate and smart and would never let anyone get away with anything. if someone looked at her in a manner that she didn't like she would let them have it. and boy did she have a mouth on her. I am proud to say that i, at the very least inherited that from her she was fat then. 5'2 and probably close to 300 lbs at her heaviest. but man could she kick ass. she was driven and brilliant and taught my sister and i about politics and feminism and queerness. My father too. a few years ago she formed a nasty amphetamine habit. she now weighs 115 soaking wet and talks about nothing but her pant size. she has no politics -or regurgitates the politics of others because she can't get out of the mirror long enough to see whats going on in the world. This from a woman who made her 9 and 7 year old daughters watch the news everynight so she could show us the evil of ronald reagan and give complete diatribes on the ins and outs of his political agenda, in order to counter to what we were seeing on the news. she held shit together when my father couldn't function. i learned loyalty from her i learned perserverance from her i learned how to put my head down and plow through because there was no turning back and you HAD to get to the other side. i watched her go to and graduate college i saw her pick up and leave her family at 38 to go to med school because she wanted to be a doctor since she was 8. i watched her decide that she didn't want to be a doctor because she didn't feel she could help people the way she always imagined. she was a brilliant massage therapist because of her compassion and medical training. It was her calling in life. i have watched her spiral out of control and lose her passion, her brains, her spunk and her mind. and i watch my father putting everything aside to take care of her. he spends all of his energy (which isn't much anymore) defending her to us. I guess i learned loyalty from him as well. she is the center of conversation with everyone in my family worrried sick what are we going to do about her? what is your father doing about her? what is wrong with her? why doesn't she just stop? i told my sister that shes been hell bent on killing herself for years now shes serious and i have been preparing myself for the call so when i hear about someone losing their mother i am reminded that could be where they are standing. .: posted by landry 3:24 PM
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