|
[ MOUFA ] [ SOUNDS ] [ STORIES ] [ LINKS ] [ EMAIL ] [ ARCHIVE ] [ BIO ] |
9.10.2004i have ADD i was diagnosed as a little kid and was on ritalin for a minute in the 70's i know that this comes as no surprise to people who know me either because ive talked about it or because you have met me i have mostly ignored it and like most everything else that is some sort of challenge or thorn in my side, i developed coping mechanisims they are not very good as anyone can tell you. except my social skills they are really good. when they diagnosed me in 1975, people were not even sure ADD was something. mostly they thought that we needed a little more discipline in the home which MAY have been true but had little or no bearing on the issue of my brain. so my mother didn't want me on meds i dealt with the rubber stamp that they made for my report card: Jennifer talks too much she is disruptive to the class she must learn to sit still and not interrupt. i am lucky. my parents knew why that was happening i didn't get chastised for that. they would say "we know its hard, but you really have to try to sit still" not helpful but at least understanding i didn't have a lot of the issues that surround others that i know with this cute little disorder. i don't think there is something really wrong with me or that im stupid so for the past few years i have thought about going on some sort of meds. i had a revelation of sorts in talking to LL we have been talking about it, practically since we met i argued that meds take the edge off peoples creativity that the same thing that makes me lose my keys is the same thing that makes me able to deign an entire line of bedding or bags or whatever that my talking and fidgeting are what make me, me to most people so i was afraid of losing that bit of my personality. she gave me a bit of her adderall you will know when you take it, if this is what you need i was nervous. what if im not ADD? what if that was what i was told and it wasn't actually true and what if i had no excuse. for losing things and not remembering where the slide is, even thought i have been there more times than i can count. and not being able to finish anything what if i am just a flake? and when i took it, my brain shut down like a computer going through a defrag vacant completely void of thoughts no spinning no noise no static no overlapping thoughts all the files returned to their correct and logical places. i have described what a normal conversation feels like to me you say something to me ALL my internal file drawers open papers come FLYING out of the file drawers in my brain, i don't need everything that comes out so i have to sort through them in order to get to the ones that are pertinant. the rest stay on top of the filing cabinet indefinately. when the adderall started to work all of the files started going back to their right spots and there was nothing to over think. i kept thinking that the weird feeling that i felt was my life-long coping mechanisms going into atrophy it was actually that i didn't have to think about things like breathing like the rest of you my keys would be in my pocket and i wouldn't have o remind myself to remember that i need to know where my keys are i wanted to cry i never realized how bad it actually was that OMG regular people actually ARE able to multi-task i thought that was a myth seriously so the quest began to find a specialist. i found one i don't love him but i have adderall the experience with the doctor is for another day. .: posted by landry 3:36 PM
Comments:
Post a Comment
|
|
