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9.01.2004

i called jbl last night to ask her what kind of nightmare i was when we first started dating years ago. I was going through a horrific divorce/breakup and im sure i wasn't very stable...

landry: so? was i a mess when we started dating? i mean with the break up with G and all? Because i barely remember a thing.

jbl: remember? I was having none of it
....so you were fine.

so there is my answer
apparently i was fine
but the problem with that answer is....
the only thing i do remember was this feeling of being completely lost and unanchored.
as much as i loved jbl, i was depressed and crying all the time that she wasn't there
and it would hit
hard
like a punch in the stomach.
i would think for a second that maybe i was making a mistake
and then i would realize that i didn't come that far in the process by accident.

ive been vicariously re-living it lately.
partially because im watching it
partially because im making a final purge.
the purge that, until now, i have been avoiding like the plague.
because i always wanted to make sure i still kept a bit of space in my brain for him 'just in case'.
and have been realizing more and more that if we were to be sharing a universe ever again, it might be better for everyone involved if the space had to be rebuilt from scratch.
its like your childhood bedroom
when you go away to college and your parents leave it exactly the way you left it.
and whenever you come home, even as a grown up, you are 17 again
i would want g to make mine into a sewing room.
I could always sleep in the guest room.

.: posted by landry 10:38 AM

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