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9.20.2004

Amphetamines can be a nasty business
and i am treating them like they are crack
not like i am a crackhead
but that they are like toxic waste
its the most healthy way i can think of to look at it.
adderall is better known as "amphetamine salts"
basically, the brains of people with ADD are wired backwards.
uppers put us down.
thats a really simplistic way of looking at it, but good enough for this purpose.

once i took a bite of the apple and knew what my brain was capable of, there was no going back.
every day that i was not taking the adderall i felt like i was wasting time.

i was starting to look at it like it was going to be the cure-all for every dumb, space girl thing that i do.

but i have mental baggage with this particular drug
my mom is a Dexedrine junkie
seriously
currently
has always had a problem with it.

the doctor prescribed ritalin to me when i was 5.
she refused to continue to give it to me, because, she said, i was a zombie on it.
and i think thats where her little habit started.
here
she had these pills
and refills

so she gave the kid coffee and removed all sugar from the kids diet
and she took the pills

as a funny side bar.....
if you had asked me 2 weeks ago if i remembered what the ritalin pills looked like i would have NO IDEA.
the doctor opened up the pharm guide and asked what i wanted, as if i were ordering office supplies and had an INSTANT flashback.
i saw the tiny triangle shaped pills and remembered that i used to take a half of a one of those 2 times a day.
but the other thing i remember, is that after i was no longer taking them...they were still around the house.
and i suspect that when my mother was having a particularly rough day
and her darling angel of a daughter was just slightly more than she could handle, she split one of those puppies down the middle and told me to swallow it quick.

im not traumatized
but i had no recollection of taking them at all until i saw them in the book.

.: posted by landry 10:44 AM

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