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5.04.2004

most of the time my blogging is just mundane, semi obnoxious rambling.
sometimes its to put stuff that is intangible into a solid form in front of me to see what it looks like.
somtimes its to try to make amends.

recently
it has been brought to my attention
that i am
a fucker.
i have spent the past few months just trying to keep the high tide at bay.
with lots of stuff swirling around that i am not really able to articulate.
or scared to.

i got a smoothie of jealously, lust, annoyance, control issues, sadness, and pennance and i can no longer separate them to see what each one tastes like on its own.
and i have no fucking idea what to do about that.

to see that email and the sadness in it made me want to cry.
for being a bad friend
for being selfish
for being jealous and not even being able to say it out loud so i could fucking deal with it.
and for thinking that since shes not here i don't really have to.
i could put it on the back burner till later.

because everything is about
"i will deal with THAT later"
the harder "THAT" is, the 'later' it will get dealt with.

its easier to cause little mini dramas in my life or my head than to deal with real stuff.

im sorry
i miss you
and
im a little jealous of all of it
but i will behave
and i love you



.: posted by landry 12:53 PM

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