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4.27.2004

i was slammed by the truth of the matter this morning.

i forget how bad it actually is between me and g.
because i have these amazing dreams all the time where we are laughing and catching up and back to talking about how this or that doorknob/countertop/pen/pitcher/phone/building could be designed better.
we were obsessed with designing better and we would spend all of our idle hours when we were not entertaining or fucking, talking about it.
so i dream that we have made up. and that he understands that, as the song goes, 'i was the one worth leaving'
so we are all good and i am happy and warm
sometimes he doesn't even talk to me.
sometimes he just puts a hand on me and i get it and its all ok.
and when i wake up its like he has died and his ghost is visiting me.

i have run into quite a few of the people who i 'lost in the divorce' in the past several years and they are all glad to see me. even the ones who are still close with him.
even if it is that their initial reaction is that they are so happy and then they back off a bit realizing that they all of a sudden feel like they are betraying him.
but i have seen it and i know they are more loyal than angry

i ran into Michael a few weeks ago at a party that i was half expecting to see g at except for that he would be expecting to see me there so would NEVER show up.
Michael was g's co-comiserator during the break up.
his gf of the same 10 or so years had left him at the same time. they hated us and shared their hatred.

he was glad to see me and i him.
we chatted and he kept looking at me with this sort of stunned, happy smile that sort of startled me.

so these are the experiences that i have AROUND g but not with him.


this morning i ran into "L" on the subway platform.
a good friend of his from college. I have known her since we were sophmores.
she was (and probably is still) in love with him.
in a really sad and desperate sort of way
i never felt jealous or worried. i just felt bad for her. knowing that even if we were not together he would never date her.
she tolerated me
she knew she had to be nice to me but it was strained and you could tell.


i see her and i look at her

and she is out of my orbit now and totally out of context but i know that she is from 'before' so i keep looking.
she gets closer and gives me this cool look of dead on hatred.
i actually felt hurt.
and thrown
and i needed several moments to take it in.

it wasn't her.
i could care less about her.
shes a fucking ridiculous mouse.

it gave me a survey of the space between g and i
and
FUCK is it far...



.: posted by landry 9:35 AM

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