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2.22.2004today all material ties to my ex are severed. and it was 4 years ago today that our messy, nasty divorce was finalized. About 2 weeks ago JGHH got an email from him asking if it would be 'appropriate' for him to call me so that he would be able to finally hand over the china that was given to me as a part of our divorce aggreement. He was such and SOB about it while it was happening. He was telling me that i was going to have to go to his parents house to pick it up. i was not about to do that. i dropped it. like a lot of things that i just felt like i could not deal with. i didn't want to fight with him any more and CERTAINLY not about 'stuff'. I was barely abole to function through my work days. He would call me on the phone with one goal in mind. i was to be crying by the time i got off the phone with him I spent a lot of time in my own head today and with a singlemindedness that i haven't had much of lately, i set to unpacking the boxes, getting the dishes into their new little quilted homes and getting the boxes with his handwriting and his girlfriend's name written on them broken down and out of this house as quickly as possible. I had no idea that i was doing that until one hour after getting back, all traces of the boxes with the errant cat hairs of the cats i left with him because i thought he would DIE if i took them from him, were gone. as if they had never been there at all. sometimes i miss him so much that i scarcely know how i have gone on that feels really weird and traitorous i fear that i am being horrible to my girlfriend for thinking it. that she will not be able to understand that i wouldn't trade any of this that i have right now, for anything. that missing him does not mean that i still love him it just means that i miss this idea of a person. this person who i would not even know where to start with if we were in the same room. this person who i do not even know any more. that i would have to meet all over again and reintroduce myself to because i am so unbelievably different that he wouldn't even recognize me. and i look around me. and i look at my friends the ones that i have now that i did not have then and the ones that came back to me after the dust settled and they realized that i was still the same person who i always was and i look at where i am personally and professionally and i realize that, and as cliche as this may sound, i was not going to be able to grow in his shadow. i would not be who i am right this minute if we were still together i would not have the life i do he never did call me. he dropped the boxes off at JGHH's house and i went to pick them up today. and as i put everything in the car how i wish you were here were just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year running over the same old ground but have we found the same old fears i wish you were here. .: posted by landry 9:47 PM
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