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2.17.2004

chris' mom died this am.
She was sick on the night of the show and Chris being the effing trouper that she is, went on with it and was funny and charming and utterly amazingly calm.
i am astounded by it really.

I do not think about my parents mortality
i can't
death is the one thing that puts me over the edge mentally.
from the time i was 9 years old i remember not sleeping at night because i was petrified of dying. and not that i was going to die in my sleep right that night, but that i was going to someday die. I was down right philosphical about it and i was completely aware of what i thought was the endless darkness of it. that i would miss something. thats what i am ALWAYS afraid of. but i would lie awake at night. even now, i have to be careful not to get too wound up thinking about it because i scare myself.

having said that, i must also note that my dad is very ill.
he has been for sometime.
i live far enough from my family that i can pretend its not happeneing.
until
i call on the phone and get my dad and talk to him for 10 minutes and he starts throwing up while i am talking to him.
like its nothing
like he does it all the time
because apparently
he does
no one tells me because they know how i react to death.
my dad started telling me that he loved me only about 8 or so years ago.
not because he didn't love me before that
he just could not bring himself to tell us
and now he coos at me and calls me jenny and kisses my belly when i am at his house at the pool with my bikini on and tells me how great i look.
so i get scared-
when he is wretching on the phone and says "jenny hold on a minute" and pukes like its nothing
-that he is going to die

.: posted by landry 9:51 PM

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