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7.29.2003a simple example is this morning, when i wrote this post and it was good and concise, and i lost it so now i have to write it over again, trying to be as eloquent *cough* as i was earlier... a more complex example is that my dog bit someone and i have to move and all of the stuff that goes along with it. and this morning i was reminded of the day in 1999 when i walked out of an appointment to see what would end up being my apartment for 2 years after my divorce. and i had to figure out HOW on earth i was going to come up with all of the money to have my own place and i was scared from a vitutal lifetime of being told that i couldn't take care of myself by a boy who claimed to love me more than the sun and the stars. and nothing was going my way timing was NOT on my side and i was getting desperate to be out once and for all. i was walking out and i thought "this is what i have to learn." i am responsible to myself to learn patience and perserverance. and karma does a bang up job of knocking me off my self styled pedestal instantly. i am constantly faced with issues of patience and learning to take bits at a time and deal with big things in small pieces. i realize that it is like driving a stick or karate once it is in you body you just do it. and i think i finally got to that point. i found myself shutting down but FAR less than i used to. i just kept moving forward as much as i could, taking small brat-breaks when the urge came on me and when i was on the train coming home from the airport this morning and there were virtulally no seats and these 2 young boys slid over and made room for me and motioned that i should sit by them. we started talking they were visiting NYC for the first time and wanted to know how to get to the trade center site. I told them and then let them know that they might be disappointed. "its just a big hole in the ground with a fence around it and you can't really see into it." his answer floored me "i have fought in two wars over that hole in the ground and i just want to see it" he wasn't bitchy about it, just very matter of fact he is 23 i felt my stomach rise up to my heart and i am sure he saw me start to tear up. so we talked about that for awhile and while i was talking to him i totally forgot that i had all this nonsense going on and i was worried for him a person i had never met and who used the word 'fag' as a viable word to describe liberian people because he was on leave and when he got back from his leave they were sending him there on a 'peace keeping' mission (translation=to fight). he has seen more of the world at 23 than all of my very well traveled friends combined. he hates it. he sees the worst of the world when it is at its worst and as an american, i would guess not very well received in most places. so i have to move i will live my dog isn't on death row and he COULD be i just have a new house. .: posted by landry 5:35 PM
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