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6.09.2003


soon, soon, soon.....
i have to keep telling myself that this will all be over soon.
While i am totally feeling, what my mom calls, my "chi chi cosmopolitan lifestyle", it is taking an awful toll on my body.
i have always been able to contain things. or...concealing?
HA
thin line. so thin that even i am not sure.
I don't know what is stress coming out in evil and impervious ways and what is just run down and sick and new.
maybe the doctor will tell me the difference today.

im scared that im not going to have any friends. Thats the new hive inducing scenario that i've created.
i wanted the girl to come to NY for pride. "no", she said, "you come to atlanta"
(half of what i love about her is her ability to say no to me).
she said that have to look at it as a opportunity to make some friends.
but, but, but...........i HAVE friends and they are going to be playing without me.
damn it.
always afraid im going to miss something. THAT is the biggest hurdle in all of this back and forth.
art festival in Virgina Highlands VS. gingers with my "girls"
NYC pride VS atlanta pride
my crazy fucking life in ny VS. the super quiet, big house slow southern style
out every night, overplanning, meeting this one for drinks and dinner and then meeting someone else after that VS. driving home from work to eat dinner and take the dog to the park.
there are days when the latter appeals to me- in a really grand way
but i am scared that i am going to lose something in the translation.

my dad says " don't worry, you will be the mayor of atlanta is no time"
everyone else says "don't worry, you make friends easily"
I have spent my entire adult life cultivating the friendships i have.
of the friends that i spend some part of my regular week with, i have known them an average of 7 years.
thats just the ones that i spend time with regularly
overall, the average is probably closer to 10 years.
i make acquaintences easily. I can chat with anyone.
My friends, the ones i would do anything for, are the ones who i have spent all of my time worrying about and talking to and helping and crying to and asking favors of and checking in on and generally driving crazy are people who i trust and love and that doesn't come easily. That isn't going to happen overnight.
so im scared.
i will get over it and i will be fine, but its my project of the week.
its the thing that was waiting till last in this whole process.

so in that worry, my skin looks like shit, my muscles are useless, my brain is spinning and i have been sleeping like crap.
damn it.







.: posted by landry 12:30 PM

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