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4.30.2003

there is a great story here (scroll down) and as anyone can see from looking at my book collection, quite a favorite topic for me.

i always wished i was more androgenous. i do not want to look like a boy, thats not confusing enough. if i looked like a boy, people would assume i was and leave it at that.

i like that moment (or depending on the degree of androgeny- minutes/hours/days) of uncertainty. i love how that makes me feel when i see someone who i can't immediately box up into a neat gender package. i am assuming that that feeling scares some people, which is where stories like Brandon Teena's come in.
I can't imagine THAT level of fear. I can't imagine even feeling uncomfortable. Lots of people spend lots of time talking about why violence against androgenous/transgendered/transsexual/genderfuck people is wrong. We know why its wrong...what i want to understand is the fear. I want to know why that fear feels like life or death to some people. Or even in a more everyday way, how that fear motivates people to make decisions about how they will react to someone they KNOW is a woman but LOOKS like a boy.

yesterday i was walking with a friend, shes a girl...a petite, sporty, 'soccer dyke' but definately a girl, this group of boys walked by and said 'is that a girl or a man?' (i had more problems with that question than the subject at hand).
so thats what i mean...why did they give a fuck? what does it matter to them if she is a boy or a girl? do they think they have something important to work with in putting her in a file? They don't. what she LOOKS like means nothing. All of the assumptions that they would come to by deciding that she is a girl would be wrong, because shes a dyke. All of the assumptions that they would come to by thinking she was a boy would be wrong because shes not. All of the assumptions that they would come to if they thought she was a butch dyke would be wrong because shes not. All of the assumptions that they would make about me because i am a little girlier, would be wrong because as SHE even acknowledges, i am more 'butch' than she is.

This is where i start to get a little confused because i don't know how to, or if it is possible to separate gender, gender identity and sexuality. its this beautiful little petri dish where all these things feed off eachother and create things.

.: posted by landry 9:26 AM

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