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4.28.2003

i am not sure if im a genius or an idiot.
i have spent the past 3 weeks teaching myself computer programs. Not out of desire so much as necessity.
this way of learning is COMPLETELY against my nature.
I am a practicer. I want to practice, by myself without anyone even knowing that i am practicing and then show up doing it like i was born ready.
The highs and lows of seeming success that falls into failure (whatever) and the extra high of actually finding that you DID figure it out (look ma!! no hands!) is enough to put me into therapy for something other than my incessant need to NOT finish things.
im not sure that my boss understands this process. or that she understands that if she paid for some ACTUAL training, it wouldn't take me so fucking long to finish stuff.
For christ's sake she knows that I come up with ideas, I don't EXCECUTE them.
she gets rid of my staff, who generally spent most of their time doing things that i asked them to do, which i had no earthly IDEA how to do.
Well screw me. Now i have to figure out how to do it.
So now instead of being a "concept designer", I have to actually produce something. This too is against my nature. Im thinking about becoming a stripper.

.: posted by landry 2:04 PM

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