[ MOUFA ] [ SOUNDS ] [ STORIES ] [ LINKS ] [ EMAIL ] [ ARCHIVE ] [ BIO ]

4.17.2003

for some unknown reason Illustrator doesn't want to run today so while i am waiting for a tech to come and bail me out i write:

jenn does the most amazing pencam photos. I am going to start begging for her to print some of these for me soon.
the neons are amazing especially "pawn" and "futon".
The density of the colors is incredible and i can only imagine if they are printed well, how amazing they will look in the office of our new house.
incidentally, she won a photobloggie this year for best lo-fi pencam website.

i can't wait till i have some time to be inspired. it's a rare thing for me to be so preoccupied that i can't even be inspired. I am not sure that i have experienced it before and i have no time to even think about it because i am so preoccupied. good god, that sucks. I mean 2 weeks ago I was forgetting about sex...what kind of world am i living in right now?

i have been talking to people about how i have been walking around ny looking down. I NEVER do that. I look people in the eye. I always have. but recently i can't bring myself to look around me. and i think that the more i notice my inability to walk around like i normally do, the less i go out. Because then i don't have to be so hyper aware that i am looking down.
i can't decide if i am not looking up because i feel like i am done here and there is nothing left to see.
or im embarassed.
maybe embarassed that im abandoning my city. I have been alternately accusing myself of being a sell out who can't handle nyc, and "what are you? A girl or a mouse?" and "ooooh look at big bad landry can't handle a little rough spot in the city so she runs away"
the flipside being that i don't have to.
My mom called me and i was talking to her about it. she said
"baby, you have lived there for 12 years. You will be back. You will always be a Brooklyn girl. and you know that if you had to handle this you could. I know my girls and when they need to they put their heads down and do what has to be done" but the KICKER, the thing that she said that made me nearly cry was:
"you could handle whatever that city has to give you, if you had to, because you've been through FAR worse"
It was like an apology.
generally she acknowledges that we had a pretty shitty time of it but she downplays the extent to which they could have fucked us up. so by saying
"you've been through FAR worse"
she finally nodded at it.
Not that i needed her to do that in order to validate my (and my sisters) feeling about it, it was just good to hear it.

.: posted by landry 12:03 PM

Comments: Post a Comment